DAY 5: Guilty Joy Ride

DAY 5: Guilty Joy Ride

I don't have a car or a license to use for transport. I use Ubers to move from one place to the other. It is the same for when I am working with a client and I am required to take them places. I use Ubers. My work does not pay for the Ubers, I have to pay with my own money. In this line of work I can understand why they make it a job requirement for people to have their license and a car. Public transport is to expensive and time consuming. It is not good for the client because if they have a mental illness for example they can become very easily reactive to things taking too long and having to wait or public transport taking half of their personal spending money. Even know it states in the agreement that people are required to take people in public transportation, it is just easier to have ones own car as well licence. Sometimes I'll be short of money and won't be able to take the client for a drive. In these situations I feel very guilty. 

Feeling guilty about it doesn't make the situation any better. I'll place emphasis on the point of not having car. React to it, and then make myself feel small or less competent in my job. For someone who doesn't have a car and has done twice as much work then other support worker's, I'm doing very well. I've come into the job and thrown into the deep end and in this type of work, you either sink or swim. Lol. I have enjoyed the Uber rides. The long talk with individuals and the laughs I've had. Getting into their fancy leased or owned cars, hearing the individuals I work with experience themselves in flashy cars, hearing them talk to the Uber drivers, and I've enjoyed the generosity of other staff members. Not having a car or license at the moment and making do with public transport has taught me a lot about people. I won't always be driving in fancy cars and money to move from house to house. It's too long till I have enough for license and car. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel incompetent without my license and a car of my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not having my own car to drive my clients around 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed about not having a car to put all the tools I want to use for work in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and less than in comparison to the rest of the support workers who do have cars

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not having the money to Uber my clients around at times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about having to use public transport to assist/support my clients around the community

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated and annoyed about the money that I use to get to my client house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I won't have to use money for public transport for too long.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that it hasn't been that bad catching Ubers as I make it out to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed about the money I have to spend to do my work when I want to making money and not having to spend too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I've been doing good despite not having a car or licence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain about having to catch Ubers for work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my clients getting impatient with public transportation and Ubers to the point where they want to lash out verbally or physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what could possibly come out of my clients when they're in a reactive or emotional state

When and as I see myself complaining about making use of public transport and Ubers - I stop and I breathe - I realise that working this way won't be forever, it is only temporary as I am saving for a car.

When and as I see myself feeling guilty for not having car to take clients places - I stop and I breathe - I realise that I can catch public transport and Ubers to assist/support my clients and/or ask another support worker to transport us.